On Being an Observant Parent
An observant person pays close attention to their surroundings, using their senses to gain information about the world. They are alert, watchful, and mindful in order to detect subtle variations in their environment. Essential observational skills include being detail oriented, maintaining a neutral, non-judgmental mindset, and listening actively. Many observers are also perceptive, processing their observations by making logical deductions and discovering underlying patterns. The ways that observation is used in science demonstrates how valuable it is to understanding many aspects parenting.
Observation is critical to scientific research in a number of fields, when it is unethical or impractical to do controlled experiments. It is commonly used in the social sciences, epidemiology, ecology and psychology. Interestingly, these scientific fields all relate to the human project of parenting and observational skills help parents in numerous ways. One observational method that illuminates the connection between the experience of parenting and this skill set is Participant Observation. In this method, the observer becomes part of the group being studied and in doing so gain a deeper understanding of behaviors, interactions, and practices.
Jane Goodall’s lifetime of observational study highlights the value of such deep research. Dr. Goodall demonstrated that one could both participate and observe and still maintain a scientific, objective mindset. Through patient and unobtrusive watching, she was able to earn chimpanzees trust, which allowed them to behave naturally. She was also able to use her own experiences as a mother to interpret the emotional and supportive, albeit sometimes difficult, relationships in chimpanzee communities. In doing so, she observed that the understanding she gained from chimpanzees helped her become a better mother to her own son.
Observations skills help human parenting in a number of ways. By watching without interference or judgement, parents are better able to understand their children’s unique temperament, strengths and needs. Like the chimpanzees in Jane Goodall’s research, the observed becomes so used to the observer that they forget that they are there. In addition, an objective and non-judgemental mindset creates an environment that gives the child freedom to act naturally. Parents become like wall paper or a fly on the wall. This patient observation creates space in which trusting and respectful relationships can be fostered. And young children always desire their parent’s attention anyway.
However, when our children start to become adults in adolescence, they want much less of our attention. A level of self-awareness creeps into the relationship and the adolescent develops the need for their parents to stop watching them. It can be difficult for a parent to decrease their attentiveness to their children, but it is in everyone’s benefit if the parent is able to stop observing and monitoring their kids’ behavior. It may seem counterintuitive, but the space that you create in your relationships with your kids foster mutual respect and autonomy. By respecting your kids’ boundaries, you communicate the message that you believe your kids are capable adults and by doing so foster a relationship of equals.